In which I make preparations…

Ok, so let’s be honest. I’m fat. 

Not grotesquely so. Not to the degree that I am forced to buy two airline tickets for my one, engorged posterior. You won’t see me wandering around Disney Land pushing a wheelie-bin full of hot, buttery popcorn. No, I’ve not quite reached Pavarotti proportions yet, but too many years spent lingering by the dessert trolley have resulted in more than a slight change to the slim and trim version of myself that existed at 18. Given that I’ve probably uttered the words “we can grab coffee and a cake somewhere…” to friends and family at least three times a week over the last decade it is of no surprise…

Anyhow – the point of all this? Spring/Summer are clearly approaching (or at least they were until today’s wind appeared from nowhere – I’ve chased our rather heavy dustbin across the garden at least three times this afternoon) and I am, once again, experiencing that familiar annual dread of how I am going to clothe myself in the warmer months. I own a drawer-full of the obligatory t-shirt, of course, but knit fabrics don’t tend to offer much in the way of man-boob disguise, do they? Not,  I repeat, that I have an awful lot to disguise, but more than there ought to be on a guy, you know? Dressed simply in a t-shirt my chest mimics that of a young girl, just on the brink of pubescence, whose parents have been too busy or too uncaring to take her to the shops to be fitted with a first training bra… I fear that I will not make it through another year artfully draping open-weave scarves across the offending portions of my body and pretending that it is an ‘outfit’ rather than a ‘cover up’! 

The solution then? A diet? More exercise? Less cake? 

Don’t be silly, dear readers, the solution, of course, in true Mothers Ruin style is simply to sew some new (loosely fitted!) clothes for myself and stop relying on shop-bought tees and the conscious avoidance of overhead lighting! *shading is not flattering…*

In preparation for my new life as a tailor, then, I used the wonderful Merchant and Mills sewing book to whip up a tailor’s ham for pressing and shaping all those smooth curves that make up a garment (I’m thinking of the collars etc on nice placket fronted cotton shirts and hope that you’ve all followed this train of thought? If anyone so much as mentions a bust dart…)

The book explains how to produce one’s own pattern (I used this Blue Peter style corrugated cardboard in the absence of anything else large enough)

The fabric is cut…

And after a double line of stitching to strengthen the seam the whole thing can be stuffed rigid with sawdust and the back of a wooden spoon…

Ta da…

Not bad eh? Now I just need to source some good summertime mens sewing patterns, have a root through my stash of fabric and convince Nathan that these are a necessary investment and we’re good to go…



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